“We can’t escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us in all our exciting adventures; it is not an anchor holding us transfixed in one spot.” Susan Jeffers
What are you afraid of? Every creature on earth has a built-in fear mechanism, and humans are no different. However, unlike most other animals, humans have many different fears. Some people are terrified of high places, snakes, or public speaking, while others jump out of airplanes, have snakes as pets, or speak for a living. Regardless of your unique fears however, you share two fears with all other human beings: the fears of not being loved and not being enough. Whether you’re a President, a performer, or a pauper, you have these core fears. The real difference between us is how we handle those fears.
Several years ago I was on a teleclass with Cheryl Richardson, a wonderful author and coach. She suggested that when you have fear, you need facts, friends, and faith. This issue of The Spark looks at overcoming fear with facts, friends, faith, and a fourth element I’ll add: focus. The fear I’m referring to in this newsletter is the type of fear called False Evidence Appearing Real. This is the type of fear that doesn’t pose any immediate threat, yet it makes you anxious or unable to progress forward the way you want. What are you afraid of? What fears keep you from pursuing your dreams, or having the life you deserve? What if you could turn those fears into friends? What if fears didn’t stop you, but rather encouraged you to grow, to get stronger, and to expand your network of support? What would your life be like if you could change fear from an obstacle into an ally?
The first step in transforming fear into a friend is Focus. Focus is used to manage fear in three different ways. First, use focus to acknowledge and understand your “fear.” Often, because we don’t like the physical and mental sensations of fear, we avoid any situation that would cause the sensation. If you continually avoid fear, you’ll never turn it into your friend. So first, let that fear be present in your body. Once you do that, you’ll notice that it can be manageable. And often the feelings of fear and excitement are very similar; increased heart rate, faster breathing, sweating palms are all symptoms of both fear and excitement. So the second part of focus is to consider renaming or reframing “fear.” What if you were “excited” or “enthusiastic,” rather than “fearful?” When I first began coaching I defined my success as turning self-doubt into excitement. Every time I became nervous or fearful about doing something to build my business, I reminded myself that I was just excited about the possibilities. Reframing the sensation from fear to excitement allowed me to take action with more fun and less worry. And third, focus is about choosing to concentrate on opportunities and positive possibilities, rather than concentrating on what could go wrong downplaying your talents. Focusing on “how you can” do something rather than “why you can’t” will reduce those feelings of fear.
The second step in transforming fear into a friend is facts. I know people who believe that one “failure” or misstep will have them homeless and living under a bridge. The facts don’t support that assumption, but fear often keeps us from looking at the facts. The next time fear has you stuck, look at the facts. Ask yourself some questions to explore reality. For example, you could ask: “What’s the worst that could happen?” When your mind comes up with the living-under-a-bridge scenario, ask what would have to happen (with your finances, skill set, support network, etc.) to become homeless. And what are the real chances of that scenario happening? Continue to ask yourself those types of questions about the best-case scenario, the most likely scenario, and other possible scenarios. Gather facts about the situation, your options, available resources, anything that is relevant for your situation. The more you allow yourself to look at the facts as well as the reasonable possibilities, the more you can use fear as a warning signal rather than a blockade.
The third step in transforming fear is friends. Studies show that the physical and mental symptoms of anxiety are reduced by as much as half when we can share our concerns with others. People with a strong support network are healthier and happier than those without a supportive network. Often verbalizing fears to another immediately diminishes the fear. I compare it to the monster in the closet you imagined as a kid. While fear is in the dark closet of your mind, it is large, powerful, and intimidating. Once you turn on the light and share it with another, the fear often seems almost silly.
The fourth and final step in transforming fear into a friend is faith. Faith is the opposite of facts described above. Faith is a trust on one or more levels. First, you can have spiritual faith in a higher force or presence. Placing your trust in that force allows you to release your personal attachment to the fear. Second, you can have faith in the bigger picture of the situation. You can remind yourself that these situations have always turned out well for you, and so project your confidence in the same into the future. And third, you can trust and have faith in yourself. Stepping into the full power and potential of who you are and what you stand for can remind you that fear is fleeting, but you are steadfast. A quote by Patrick Overton sums up faith: “When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” That’s using faith to make a friend of fear.
Often the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your fear. Learn to make fear your friend, and take it along with you on the journey to achieving your dreams.
