When you were young, were you a good little boy/girl because you followed the rules? Or were you one of those kids that lived by your own rules, which was sometimes fun and sometimes really painful?! Now that you've grown up, do you think you already know all the rules? I'll bet you don't know some of the most important rules guiding your life!
Rules are important. They help us keep order in our complex society. They allow us to know how to behave in situations, and to set the standard for "right" and "wrong." There is a "dark side" to rules, though. Remember the rules that segregated races? We used rules in place of logic - how else could we justify some of the crazy things we've put rules around? And I'm sure we have all been in a situation where the people in power made up the rules to control and manipulate. As long as they kept us guessing about the rules, they could feel powerful. Even in our intimate relationships, doesn't it feel that sometimes, just when we think we know our partner's rules for what makes him/her happy, they change the rules on us?!
Although we couldn't have a society without rules, it's important to be aware of when those rules serve, and when the rules restrict or constrict. The external rules I'm referring to, though, are small in comparison to the personal rules we have for ourselves and others. Every relationship, every behavior, every choice we make in life, is guided by a set of rules. Sometimes our rules are conscious, like the rules we teach our children. Many of our rules are unconscious, though. These unconscious rules are formed through experience and deeply-held beliefs. Just like external rules, some of our internal rules serve us, and some keep us limited.
For example, rude people annoy me. One of my definitions of rude was when people spoke in what I considered a loud voice, or with a harsh tone of voice, or using certain words. However, I learned that people from other parts of the country, or from other backgrounds, don't view that same volume or tone of voice, or language, as harsh. It's just their way of getting attention. These people may have rules that soft-spoken people are wishy-washy or boring. So the very same behavior may be "good" or "bad," based solely on whose rules are evaluating the behavior. Because of that, I've changed my rules around what constitutes "rude." I still come across what I call rude people, but it's certainly less often, now that my rules have changed.
Another example of rules is how you express caring. Maybe your rule for expressing caring is by SAYING how much you care. Yet your partner may think "talk is cheap" and wants you to SHOW him or her that you care, such as through gifts or actions. Their rules for love are different than your rules. You both care, but your rules for expressing that are different. A great book on this subject for intimate relationships is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
The financial arena is another big area for rules. One day I was feeling a lack of abundance. I felt like I should be making more money, or that I didn't have enough money for what I wanted. This "should" thinking always prompts me to look at what's behind the "should." In other words, "shoulds" make me realize there are some rule violations in my life! In the process of examining my rules around financial security and abundance, I realized that a flow of money was as important for me as a particular amount of money. I had never realized that before! Recognizing that my rule for feeling prosperous is a flow of money, I choose to focus less on amounts and more on flow. If I felt that rule didn't serve me, though, I might have changed it to something that was more effective.
As you hopefully see by now, we have rules about everything in life. One of the most important, in my mind, is your rule for being happy (or fulfilled, or joyful, or loved, or any other positive emotion). I know a lot of people who have very simple rules for being unhappy (I don't make enough money, there are some people in the world who don't like me, my job could be better, I don't like the color of my hair, etc.). Do you know anyone like that? Those people have rules that make it easy to be miserable, and hard to be happy! What are your rules for being happy? If you have huge, complex rules for feeling happy, and simple rules for being unhappy, can you guess where you're going to spend most of your life? The trick is to turn the rules around, and make it very easy to feel happy. Yes, you CAN change your rules if you choose. And once you do that, your perceptions and behavior will follow.
Begin to notice the rules you have for your life. When something or someone annys you, ask yourself why. You'll find that there is a set of rules you have (with some related beliefs) that are being violated. What are those rules? Where did they come from? How do they serve you? How do they constrict or limit you? What would be a better set of rules - a set that makes it easier to feel good, and harder to be annoyed? If you say that you can't change your rules, ask yourself why not! Who says?! What are your rules about changing your rules? You can have some fun with this, because it's all about discovering what's best for YOU. You can "play by the rules" or you can change the rules. Sometimes rules are made to be followed, and sometimes they just made to be changed!
